More writing by Bruce Taylor

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Vacation

by Bruce Taylor

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I AWAKEN AS though from a very deep sleep. The light is so bright and I open and close my eyes many times before the blur goes away. I rub my eyes. I feel cool hands on my forehead. I look. Somehow I know that the person touching me is my mother. She grins. "Welcome," she says, "welcome to the vacation."

I hear the words; I don't understand them at first, but gradually their meaning comes clear. And at last, at last I am able to speak. "Vacation?" I say, "Vacation?"

My mother puts her forehead to mine. She smiles and a tear rolls down her cheek. "Vacation."

"Why are you crying?"

"It's nice to have you with us."

Suddenly I don't understand at all what is being said. It makes no sense, for surely I have always been with them. I try to remember back but cannot. I find, actually, that it really makes no difference. I sit up. "Where are we?" I ask.

"Would you like to look about?"

Eagerly I nod. My mother takes me by the hand. I look about. I am in a room. The walls are white. A door opens and a male, who I sense is my father, walks in. He smiles at my mother and I feel warmth flow between them. My father comes over to me. He ruffles my hair. "Hey, sport," he says, "let's show you around."

"Okay."

We go out the door. The light is fearful and I cover my eyes. It is terribly hot. I glance up. I see a very intense light overhead. It is surrounded by blue-black. Other bright lights show also. I see so many strange and wondrous things that I don't know what to think. As we walk, my father points out things and gives them names. And I rapidly learn about where it is we are spending our vacation. And I have so many questions to ask! Some of them my father answers. Some of them my mother answers. And sometimes they simply say, "I don't know."

But I put the information together. We are on a large ship. It is self-contained and perfectly built. The craftsmanship is excellent. And I am utterly fascinated by the ship.

I let go of my parents' hands and run all over asking people about the ship. "Who built it?" I ask. And usually the answer is, "That is not known."

"I want to see the engines!"

An old man nearby laughs. "Ha-ha! No one sees the engines, young fellow, no one!" And he laughs again.

"How fast are we going?" I ask.

He smiles and chuckles. "Very fast." He scratches his beard and, with a beer in hand, sits near the pool, dangling his feet in the water.

"Well – where are we going?"

The old man grins and drains his beer and says, "Here now! Stop asking such questions!" He grabs me and pulls me into the water. "Too many questions. Come here and get your head wet. You're on a vacation, now have some fun." He splashes me and the water is warm.

I crawl out of the pool, sputtering and shaking my head. And I hear gay laughter. "You're silly!" I turn and I look. A young woman, dark of hair and eyes, covers her smile with her hand. I suddenly realize I like her. "Who are you?" I ask.

"My name makes no difference."

The old man nods approval.

"Won't you come into the pool?" I ask.

She stands so tall and bashful but I run up and lightly grab her around her waist. She does not protest and she dives into the water with me and we come up gasping and sputtering.

"Having a good time?" the old man says.

"Wonderful!" I say. And I smile. And the lady places her arms around my neck and we kiss. The kiss is as warm as the water and we walk into one of the cabins and make love. We make love again and again and in moments of repose, I say, "Oh, oh, but it's a wonderful vacation." She giggles and grabs me and we laugh and make love again, again, again and she is all warmth, all movement and her eyes they are bright and I feel that fire within her, within me and we sleep, and we sleep; her head on my chest, her arm around me and suddenly I hear a furious pounding on the door. "Yes," I yell, "what is it?"

It is my mother's voice. "Come quickly! Your father is ill!"

I am horrified. My father ill. My lady friend's dark eyes are concerned and sad. I climb out of bed, hurriedly dress and go with my mother. I am struck by how warm it is outside and the deck plates are hot to my feet. My lady friend runs beside me and we go into a cabin. My father is pale. He touches me. He says no words but his eyes tell all. I hold his hand. "Where's the doctor?" I cry.

My father shakes his head. "I wish I would have taken time to play more," he whispers. "What a fool I was to work and worry so on my vacation."

"You'll be all right," I say, squeezing his hand. My mother answers a knock on the door and the doctor walks in. He looks very serious. He quickly examines my father and then sighs. "The only thing that I can do is to give him some pills to help him rest easy." He digs around in his black bag and pulls out a small brown plastic bottle. "One every four hours," he says.

Outside the cabin I talk to the doctor. "Will he be all right?"

"I don't know." The doctor squints in the bright light. "Sometimes vacations are hard on people."

My first thought is how ironic that sounds. The doctor shakes his head and moves on. My mother exits from the cabin. "Your father is gone." And she weeps. Suddenly I am shocked at how wretched a vacation can be. My lady friend comes to me and I am so glad that she is there for suddenly I feel so very alone and the light, the light, the light is so bright and so keenly intense and the hot deck plates burn at my feet and yet the ship moves on, moves on, moves on and the body is jettisoned into dark space.

For a long time I say nothing. I walk and finally sit on the edge of the pool, my feet in the water. I look to my lady friend. "Some vacation this is. Shit."

She says nothing. The old man comes up to me. "I heard," he says, "I'm sorry."

"I'm tired of this vacation," I say. "I'm fucking tired of it. I want to go home."

The old man sighs. "My friend, you'll be going home soon enough. Just because you're on vacation doesn't mean there's no pain. I lost my wife on a rough part of the trip."

I frown. My lady friend squeezes my hand. I stand and she walks with me in the bright heat. "I guess I should go see how my mother is doing." I look to her. "What about your parents. Didn't they come on the trip?"

"No," she replies. "I was placed on board and left to pretty much fend for myself."

"You've done well."

"You have no idea how much you've helped." And her eyes are so very large and brown and I realize how much I love her. I also realize, as we walk to find my mother, that the old man follows behind.

"Mind if I walk with you?" he asks.

"No, no, not at all," I reply.

We find my mother sitting in a deck chair; her face is still shocked. She looks up to me. "Oh, God," she whispers, "I am so alone! This vacation is so wretched!"

The old man sits in a chair beside her and places her hand in his. He nods and I see tears in his eyes and I decide it best to leave them in peace.

"And so what do we do?" I ask my lady friend.

She smiles. "Explore the ship?"

We explore it gently, a bit at a time. Again I marvel at how so well it is built. "You know," I say, "I've always wondered how this God damn thing works. I want to see the engines."

My lady friend laughs. "As did I when I first came on board. But they cannot be seen. You can spend all your time asking questions and simply forget that you're on a vacation. Just enjoy it."

"I suppose you are right." I nod slowly. "But such a vacation. Such a vacation. I wonder how long it lasts."

"I guess as long as you enjoy it."

For a long time we walk about the ship in silence and then I hear my name announced over the loudspeaker and I quickly go to the paging operator who hands me a telegram. I read it. I read it over and over. "Oh, my God," I whisper, "my mother – " I collapse on the searing deck plates. My friend is beside me. I hold her so close. I mumble, "This vacation is a disaster! I want to go home!"

But my lady friend shakes her head. "Come on, come on, we have to go."

By the time I get back, the body has already been jettisoned into space and I see the old man. He comes up to me and buries his head on my shoulder and weeps and finally he is able to whisper, ". . . we had just made love and she died in my arms. Oh God, but she was a woman so grand!" And he weeps again. Finally he straightens, sniffles, and wipes his eyes. "Such a vacation!" And oh, how he sighs. "Well, got to get on." He shrugs his shoulders. "Got to get on. You know, there are parts of this ship that I've never seen? Do you have any deck that you recommend?"

I look to my friend. She looks thoughtful. "You know," she says, "there's lots of activity a couple of decks down."

He nods. "Think I'll have a look." And he wanders away and I hear him say, "Oh, oh, such a vacation this is."

I nod. "I have to agree with him."

My lady friend says, "Well?"

"I think I've seen enough of the ship for a while. Let's go back to the cabin."

She agrees. We walk in silence and oh, oh, how the heat is intense and the light blinding white and the deck plates so hot and by the time we get to the cabin, I am exhausted. And we stay in the cabin for long periods of time; ever so often we go swim in the pool. And sometimes I watch my lady friend swim, or watch her when she is quiet and realize, realize again and again how much I love her, how much I need her and how so lucky I am. And ever so often she catches that love in my eyes and the message is returned to me by the fire in her eyes. And we love, we still love, in the most gentle of ways. She is beside me, she loves me and I hold her so close and it is then that I realize that the vacation is such a marvelous thing.

And yet, I awaken one morning, a severe pain in my chest. As though by instinct, my friend awakens. "What is it?" Her eyes are dark-wide.

"Such pain!"

"The doctor!"

"No time! Just hold me! Just hold me!"

She does. Oh, God, oh, God, she holds me so close. She lies with me and combs my hair with her fingers and then, and then with fingertips gentle, gentle, gentle as dawn, she touches my face and I know that she knows, yes, she knows that my vacation is over and I am going home.

 

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