More writing by Bruce Taylor

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Kafka's Uncle: The Unfortunate Sequel
and Other Insults to the Morally Perfect

by Bruce Taylor

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Well?

It started when Juanita, sister of Pablo, came running over to Mario's house. She looked frantic, her black hair in disarray, her dark eyes imploring!

"Quick, my wonderful friend. My family needs help!"

Mario, alarmed, said, "What? What is it?" He pulled the door closed behind him and ran with Juanita. He glanced up at a rainbow; it suddenly shattered and flakes of red, blue and green gently drifted down. Mario was grateful that it was nothing unusual - he was fearful that what Juanita was going to show him was going to be difficult enough.

"It is horrible," she was saying as they hurried through the cobbled streets of the city of Es by the mountains, by the sea. "It is truly horrible! I fear Papa has gone insane!"

Mozart, the highly intelligent town cat of uncommon speed, ability, size and strength joined them; his bright yellow fur resplendent in the early morning light. "I see all," he purred, "I know all."

Mario looked up at Mozart. "Run alongside me, cat," he said. "Don't squash me."

"I would not do that," said Mozart, "for I have compassion and am gifted."

Mario did not know how Mozart could do it, but the great cat began purring the music to The Magic Flute as he ran. They finally came to Juanita's home and, out in the back yard, was an immense mound of earth that was growing higher with every shovelful of dirt coming up from behind it. Juanita's father, dressed in immaculate white, labored, digging in a hole.

"Hello, Mr. Dia," said Mario, taking off his hat and surveying the scene with his calm, orange eyes, "what is this?"

Mozart, still purring, muttered, "And what is this not?"

"Daddy," cried Juanita, "Daddy, please come out of that hole - "

Mrs. Dia sat nearby reading the paper, sipping a glass of Something Blue. She turned the page, bypassing an advertisement for slow turtles and simply said, "Ye must have faith in what thy father art doingst."

Mr. Dia looked up briefly to Mario and smiled. "Mr. Mario with the orange eyes and calm demeanor. Dressed well as usual. Hair combed. You're becoming for a lad of sixteen. Why don't you marry my daughter and be done with it?"

Mozart, purring, hit a lovely stretch of The Magic Flute and somehow said, as he purred, "We can do it now. The music is certainly appropriate. Isn't it all about love, anyway?"

"And mystery," said Mr. Dia, "and mystery. There is a mystery here. Each shovelful brings me close to something grand. I just know it." Mrs. Dia took a drink of Whatever It Was she was drinking and said, "What do you want for dinner tonight, dear?"

"Potatoes and tubers and truffles," he said. "And beer and steak."

Mario looked around. "Where's Pablo?"

Juanita, eyes red from crying, looked around also. "I don't know."

Mrs. Dia put down her paper for a minute and munched on a Milky Way candy bar. "Come to think of it - " she paused, "when did I - ?" she then shrugged, and brushing her silver hair back with her hand, said, "Oh, he'll show up. Soon. I know he will."

Mr. Dia grinned. "Mystery. Mystery. Don't you just love mystery?"

Clunk.

Mozart peered down into the hole. "Looks like you have another one."

Overhead, the pale yellow sky became intense green.

Mario glanced up absently. "It's well that it's a wonderful day. Too many mysteries become tiresome."

Mozart lifted a front paw to his mouth and began to wash and suck at it noisily.

"Ah," said Mr. Dia. "And what a fine mystery this all is. Where is Pablo? And what is this I have uncovered? What is life? What is love?" Then he glanced up to Juanita. "You really should marry Mario. I've seen how big his - "

"Oh, father!" said Juanita, putting her hands up to her mouth in horror, "How can you be so dysfunctional even if you are right? Why are you so inappropriate?" Mr. Dia just laughed. "It was my mother's fault."

Clunk! and Mr. Dia struck the object again as he tried to shovel away more dirt. "Ah," he mused, "what a mystery this is." He looked up at Mario. "Marry my daughter. Marry her while she's still young - young and - juicy." He grinned and made a clicking sound with his tongue.

Juanita, turning various shades of red, nonetheless did wink at Mario and whispered, "It's true, you know."

Meanwhile, Mr. Dia leaned over and, brushing the dirt from the object, laughed. "Mystery. Why, this morning I didn't know there would be this mystery and now there is. Imagine that." He continued to dust off the object.

"Big object," muttered Mozart, the highly energetic and intelligent, not to mention, witty feline.

Mr. Dia scraped more dirt off the object which finally revealed itself to be a silver-colored box, about two feet wide, six feet long. Mr. Dia looked up to Mozart. "Help me, you big intelligent feline whose beauty knows no bounds."

"Hm," said Mozart, "you sure do know how to flatter a feline, don't you." Mozart hopped into the hole and with a sharp tap of his paw, smacked the box; the top flipped off and -

"Pablo!" said Mr. Dia.

Pablo lay, as if in a coffin, in a blood-red suit, hands crossed over his chest, clutching a bouquet of white roses. He opened his eyes and frowned. "Aw! You found me!"

Mr. Dia rested on the handle of his shovel. "Mystery solved!" and he chuckled.

Mrs. Dia put down her paper. "Dear child, what are you doing there?"

"I'm madly in love with Angela Remonas but she doesn't know I exist and I just wanted to die." He paused dramatically and placed the back of his hand on his forehead and said in added emphasis, "Just die." He pointed to Mozart, "He helped bury me." Pablo sat up, dusted himself off. "But after I got buried, I began to have second thoughts - "

Mr. Dia laughed good naturedly. "I just knew there was a reason I had to come out here and dig. I just felt it in my bones."

"And that reminds me," said Mrs. Dia, sipping The Something Blue from her glass, "what time do you all want dinner?"

"Any time," said Mr. Dia, "I'm famished."

"And you," said Mario to Pablo, "are you okay?"

Pablo nodded energetically. "Now I am. Being in a coffin overnight helps you see what's important."

"And," purred Mozart, "what is that?"

"A good cup of coffee," said Pablo. "I really missed coffee."

Mr. Dia laughed. "Mystery solved." He then looked to Mario. "Are you going to marry my daughter or not?"

Mario grinned. "Sure."

So under that sky, now changing to blue with fleecy white polka-dots, Mozart purred the music of The Magic Flute, then said, "So done." And Mr. Dia clapped his hands and climbed out of the hole and had a beer. Pablo grinned as he savored his coffee and Mrs. Dia sipped her Blue Drink and read a news story about sentient wild artichokes recently being discovered in the northern part of the country.

 

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